“i want to be 80 years old and be able to say that i had the best life i could have. i want to be old and gray and have the man beside me still look at me like they looked at each other in the movie. i KNOW it sounds so stupid. i KNOW that they are just characters in a book and a movie… but tell me why that makes it impossible to actually GET?! it doesn’t. it shouldn’t.

i feel like something is missing. i’ve been in love, sure. oh, i’ve loved like you wouldn’t even believe. i’ve thought i’ve had my whole life planned out. but, i’ve never really been swept up by love. i’ve never been knocked off my feet by love… and i want that, i want that so very badly. i DESERVE that.

i know 23 isn’t old. i know i’m young and i have plenty of time to settle down later in life. but, what is the point of having a life, being adventurous and having fun if you don’t have someone to share it all with, someone to come home to at the end of everyday?”

(That’s the amazing thing about having a blog.  You can always take a look back on where you were, who you are and how you felt.  Humbling.  I wish I could hug the me that I was two years ago and tell her that everything is going to work out just fine.  I’d also probably tell her to capitalize properly, but oh well.)

So, It’s been over three weeks since i’ve posted.  I made a decision to step the eff away from blogging and Twitter because things just feel so… repetitive.  We’re just past the half way point of this deployment and I feel like at this point, i’ve just got my sights set on getting to the point where I can jump into his arms again that nothing else matter.

I don’t want to be the girl that whines about a deployment, that is constantly posting these sad stories or can’t talk about anything except how much she misses him.  I know it’ my blog and if I wanted to, I could write about all of those things, but truthfully… having it all down in writing isn’t going to make my heart hurt any less.

I have posts lined up, I can’t wait to show you guys my chicken soup recipe, but I just don’t think i’m feeling it yet.  It’s weird to feel this way, sort of without my voice.  I don’t know how to explain it.  There has been a serious increase in nasty commenters, people that have these opinions of me, of this blog, of how I live my life… and I just think that maybe, opening myself up to that kind of criticism and living my life online for whoever googles the right set of words might not be for me anymore.

Also, I think… for the past few years, i’ve had crazy story after crazy story.  My life for so long was one big ball of ridiculous and now?  Now, thinks have slowed down which is a great thing for me, not so much for the old blogaroo.  I just need to find my new voice, maybe.  My new, grown up, life isn’t crazy anymore, take joy in the mundane voice.  But I mean, how many of you want to hear that I’m sitting on my couch watching Food Network with my cat?  Exactly.

I’m just taking some time to think all of these things over.  I’ll figure out something, i’m sure.  But, in the mean time… try not to miss me too much.

-  Cooking.  A lot.  For a few months, I didn’t really cook because it was just me.  It was easier to exist on grilled cheese, salad and spagetti-os.  But, my poor Rachael Ray pots were neglected, so this past week i’ve been cooking my face off and taking all of the food to my family’s place so they could enjoy it.  Tonight, I baked chocolate crackel cookies for my dad’s birthday tomorrow.

-  Thawing out from freaking Snomageddon 2010.  The last blizzard that dumped this much snow on us was in 1996.  Then, it was fun.  This time?  Wait, no.  It was still fun.  Matt’s cousins came to the house to get snowed in with me.  We made awesome food, watched every episode of the Biggest Loser and took casual strolls in the snow.

Us deciding we were going to leave the house. I had ZERO snow clothes, so I just layered and put plastic bags on my feet over my sock with my Uggs and I was attempting to make Matt’s snowboard gloves work for me, but um.  I’m half his size and it was pretty comical.

Early morning on day one.  The snow was already up to my knees.  Check out the plastic bags i’m rocking.  Be jealous.

-  Buying a new vibrator.  I know, right?  This is so not that kind of blog, but I feel like I should note this.  It’s a LELO brand one, not cheap.   Listen.  I’ve still got almost FOUR MONTHS left of being alone.  I seriously thought i’d be fine.  I’m not.  Problem (sort of) solved.

- Not shaving my legs.  Seriously.  I mean, who’s going to see it?  ITS FEBRUARY.   Once every two-ish weeks when I can’t take it anymore.  It’s good times.

- Design stuff.  Really.  I’ve made Katelin’s save the dates, my own invitations, opened up an etsy shop (i know, the invite mock up has October twice) and I have massive amounts of awesome stuff in the works hopefully.  I wish I had gone to school for this… the only time i’ve really enjoy what I do so much is when I am taking pictures.  The combination of the two makes me wildly happy.

- Spending lots of time at the gym.  Operation six pack is in full swing.  It hurts.  I run a lot.  I’ve never done more crunches and these weird bendy backwards ab work out things in my life.  My arms feel like jell-o a few days a week.  I sweat and it’s gross.

- Missing my love.  It’s gotten different in a way.  It’s more of this dull ache as opposed to this stabbing effing pain that I just can’t shake.  I cry less.

- Shopping.  Oh my lord, shopping.  I get lonely and bored… so I go spend money.  Mostly on house stuff and wedding stuff.  I’m seriously coveting this dress from Carol Hannah.

Knee length, I think.  The more that I stare at it, the more I love the pink color, but I was thinking of maybe turquoise or yellow and wearing it for my rehearsal dinner.  It’s a little expensive, but I would totally wear it again.  I’d wear it all the time.

- Handing over the Love Story Project to The Blondes.  It’s my baby, and I still have high hopes for it… but I just don’t have the time to devote that it needs to really be great.  The stories that were submitted weren’t getting posted as fast as I’d like, so I knew it was time to ask for help.  Expect great things.

I know I’ve been all over the place as far as posting here goes.  I just feel like the only thing on my mind is getting through the day and getting one day closer to having him home.  So, I think as a result of that… a lot of what this blog is right now is centered around that and I sort of hate it.

So, to try and get away from that, i’m going to direct you somewhere else for a little bit.  I have a formspring now.  Ask away.  Pending it’s nothing too crazy, I pretty much promise i’ll answer.

Do you have a formspring?  What are your thoughts on it?

My heart.  My best friend.  My rescuer. My never ending source of encouragement.

I know we took a sort of round about way to get to where we are.  I know it took me the better part of ten years to figure out what I always knew, my life is with you.  You have always been everything to me, even when I tried not to let it show.  We have certainly had our fair share of ups and downs over the years, but in the end… everything led me back to you and i’m eternally grateful.

You laugh at my jokes when no one else would ever think I was even a little funny.  You have been there to hold me when all I could do was cry.  You let me go when I needed my space, but you were never far.  You’re one of the most caring, genuine, good hearted people that I have ever met.  I’ve yet to run into a person that doesn’t think you’re anything less than amazing.  You would do anything to help a friend and you have a smile (and these little crows feet) that stop me dead in my tracks.  You’re a total romantic, maybe even more so than I am.

Truth is, I never really could picture my life without you in it.  I don’t remember a time where we weren’t best friends, or together or trying to be together or any combination of those three things.  I fought what I felt for so long, until that day I saw you and I just knew.  I knew I had to do something, anything to make you mine because if I didn’t?  Some other girl would… and I couldn’t live with that.

This Valentines Day, even though we’re apart and even though i’ll probably celebrate alone over a Lean Cuisine, a bottle of Pinot Grigio and the Food Network, I want you to know that I love you.  From thousands of miles away, I love you with every little piece of my heart.  You bring so much love and joy into my life… It’s something I never thought I could feel until now.  It’s this amazing, all encompassing, colors are brighter, sun is shinier, butterflies all the time kind of love.  I’m counting the days until I can jump into your arms and hold you close again.

Happy Valentines Day handsome, you make my life spectacular.

The one wonderful thing about blogging and the internet is that moment when you read something and see something and you know, with no doubt in your mind that there is another person out there that just GETS you.  Whether you’re dealing with a breakup, trying not to pull your hair out planning a wedding, a baby that won’t stop crying, a best friend that is driving you up a wall or a deployment, you can rest assured that there is someone out there that has gone through what you’re gong through.

Since Matt’s been gone, I’ve put the internet to amazing use.  I’ve connected with wives, girlfriends and fiance’s who are going through the same thing that i’m going through.  I’ve joined networks like True Military Wives Confessions on Ning and added SpouseBuzz to my Google Reader.  SpouseBuzz is where my post today is being brought to you from.  I read this, and I found myself shaking my head with every line.

Honestly, I thought I was the only one that slept on the couch because I can’t bear to lay in our bed without him there next to me.  I thought I was the only one that cried over laundry, because there were none of his clothes to be done.  I thought I was weird because his shoes are still by the door where he left him, like he’d be coming home this afternoon.  I’m not.

If you have ever wondered what I was thinking or how I felt, what the days were like for me or how to relate… I think this letter says it all.  It’s something that brought me to tears (not that tears means anything at this point… pretty much everything brings me to tears), it’s something I could have written myself, and probably have in a few versions here on this site.

If you can, please do me a favor?  Read Jennifer’s Letter below and if not right now because it’s winter, in the spring… put up an american flag.

Editor’s note: The following is the full text of a letter written by Jennifer Chaloux to her husband, Spc. Matthew Chaloux, a Georgia National Guardsman, who was deploying to Afghanistan for a year.

When you find out your husband/boyfriend is getting deployed, your world changes completely. The man you share your life with is leaving, and there is no guarantee he will come home. Days fly by quicker than you have ever known. They are consumed with nonstop picture and video-taking, hugs, kisses and sighs because reality is too close. We try to finish projects around the house and get a quick lesson on using power tools.

It’s days on end trying not to cry too hard so you don’t make him feel bad … laying your head on his chest trying to memorize the sound of his heartbeat, the way he holds you, kisses you on the head, his laughter and his cologne. Holding his hand and not wanting to let go, not even for a second. A million kisses and hugs. Saying I love you 50 times a day and still questioning whether you have said it enough.

Doing the same paperwork six times over, knowing you’ll have to do it again.

Having that conversation no one wants to have about injuries, death and his wishes if it happens. Spending the last week together attending going-away picnics and family events for the military families, the whole time seeing smiles that conceals heartache.

Watching families hug more than they probably have in a year, and children running around oblivious of the danger that awaits their father or mother. Having moments of laughter, and the next second reality hits and tears start to flow. Watching other families before they deploy, men holding their newborn babies knowing they will miss their first giggle, word, and wonder if they will know him when he gets home. Families taking pictures of everything, no matter how trivial.

Seeing mothers treating their 40-year-old as if he was a kid again, and she always will. Trying to memorize everyone’s face and last name because when he calls he never uses their first name when he talks about them. Not being able to be there when they are promoted to show them and tell them how proud of them you are.

Attending a send-off ceremony and watching your husband and all the soldiers recite the Soldiers Creed, and feeling like you are the luckiest girl in the world to be married to a hero. Strong and proud they stand in perfect formation.

They are clearly disciplined and well-trained. It’s a side of him I have never seen, and I thought I knew everything about him.

The last day together you fight back tears every second and wonder how you can just walk away from him. You watch families around you hugging and saying their good-byes. You feel numb and every emotion all at the same time.

You struggle to walk to your car and drive away without him, only to pull over moments later to breakdown.

Your home is just a house now. Everyday revolves around thinking about him, worrying and watching the clock to calculate what time it is half way around the world. You try to stay busy, but the stress doesn’t go away. It’s a roller coaster ride, and life won’t let you get off.

Being alone some days is more comforting than forcing yourself to be in a good mood to have coffee with a friend. Friends struggle to say the right things to help, but feel helpless as well. It’s an invisible barrier that separates even family.

Doing laundry and realizing there are none of his clothes to do, and wishing there was. Setting the table for four at dinner even if there are only three of us. Sleeping on the couch for weeks because you can’t bear to sleep in your bed when he is on a cot, and it’s just not the same without him next to you. Leaving his combat boots next to the front door because it comforts you, and they won’t be moved until he is home.

Feeling guilty for enjoying a sunny day, a good movie or just a ride in the car. Avoiding phone calls because you just can’t talk about it, again. “I’m fine” is never enough, but you can’t make them understand no matter how hard you try. Alienating yourself so you don’t have to fake a smile or conversation.

Wanting to just scream and yell until you have no voice left, and wiping away those endless tears. “Snapping out of it” will take a year. Bonding with Army wives you just met, and pouring your heart out because it’s easier than telling your best friend.

Wondering if he will be the same person he was when he left and feel comfortable in his own home when he gets back. Feeling selfish for having a pity party when he has it a lot worse. Watching the news when you are told not to.

Knowing when we talk he will never tell me he had to dive under something to avoid getting hurt or he just came back from a mission that you didn’t know he went on. Not knowing who you are at the end of the day because you can’t be who you were without him.

The word “why” is the first word in everything you think about. No matter how hard you try, you’re always thinking the worst case scenario. Wanting to sleep the whole next year because it’s the only time you get a break from worrying. In reality sleep is only a couple hours here and there.

Avoiding your favorite CDs or TV shows that you enjoyed together because you have no one’s hand to hold or arms to lay in. Wearing his clothes while he is gone and using a shirt with his cologne as a pillowcase to snuggle up to.

Trying to pray double-time, but feeling like a hypocrite because right now you would be angry with God if something happens. Walking around with a lump in your throat and a pit in your stomach for the next year. Saying “thank you, he’s fine,” because if you say too much you’ll just cry, like you have done for the past four days. Truly feeling lost, scared and powerless every single day.

Just going through the motions of getting up, getting ready and going through your day clutching your phone in case he calls. When he does call you get an instant high just knowing he is okay, and trying not to forget to tell him about all things you did that day, but leaving the part out about screaming like a mad woman because the sink is leaking, your tire is going flat, the lawn needs mowing, bills need to be paid. When all is said and done, you’re proud of the woman you are and you have a girly toolbox because you decorated your husband’s tools with glitter and rhinestones.

Wanting people to understand most of the soldiers don’t want to be there either. They want peace like all of us do. Wondering why almost every house you see doesn’t have an American flag on it like after 9/11.

Wanting to tell all the people at an anti-war rally that they are there because they are free and have those rights because they live in a country protected by the military. That the people your husband encounters everyday would love to have a right to an education. When the worst happens they will want the soldiers to protect them. That every family and person who lost their life to the 9/11 attacks are being disrespected if we didn’t fight back. Don’t hate the war and the soldiers, hate the people who started the war.

Understanding the TRUE meaning of honor, pride, dedication and hero.

They are drivers in a convoy, infantry, mechanics, medics, doctors and nurses, and chaplains. Most of all, they are our husbands, wives, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters. They have a job to do and a family to take care of.

That family not only consists of a spouse and kids, but your family as well.

Display the American flag, support our troops and never forget.

circa 2004

I think, after a certain point in a deployment, you start to become numb.  You learn that nothing is certain in the military, you learn not to make plans or hang all of your hopes on a specific time frame for something.  That “something” could be anything… a phone call, a return date, an email.  You learn to be grateful for every second, for every word, every email.  You learn how to adapt to a life alone, at least for a little while.  I’m not saying it’s easy, it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t think about him every single second of every day, because it’s not, it does and I certainly do.  It’s just that after almost eight weeks of being without him, I can feel myself getting calloused.   I don’t cry as much, I let more roll off my back and i’ve realized that it’s okay to ask for help if I feel like I can’t do it on my own.

In a way, i’m grateful for this experience.  So many people never get to appreciate the person that they are with on such a basic level.  Girls get gussied up for Friday date nights at a fancy restaurant and go to see a movie with the guy they love but me? I get pretty for my Monday night Skype dates with my love that’s a world away.   Some girls take for granted being able to lean over and kiss their honey whenever they want, but me?  It’s been 56 days since i’ve been able to kiss Matt, but I take comfort in closing my eyes and recounting every single detail of our last kiss.  I feel like, although this is all wildly painful and hard, it’s equally amazing.   I don’t know many girls that get a love letter every day.  I do.

We are forced to communicate and work together and support each other with nothing more than our words and I feel like this is giving us such an advantage.  I think that when you are forced to say that goodbye, when you are left to do nothing but wait (but sometimes you’re not even sure what you’re waiting for) and when all you have left some days is this overwhelming feeling of worry… you realize that this love you have for this other person is something so much bigger than yourself.

I didn’t really know where I was headed with this post when I started, but I think what I ended up with is so representative of everything that I feel right now. I love when I start writing and just… end up somewhere. Even on days like today when I get some kind of crappy news that things aren’t going exactly like I thought that they would, it really helps to just sit down, write and remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for.

Before I worked in real estate, way back when I was still a struggling college student, I was a teacher. In order to help pay off my loans quickly, I enrolled in a few extra classes and received my Child Development Associate Certification which allowed me to teach full time in a group preschool setting. My first teaching job was at a Montessori school in a little church. I worked there for three years, it was by far my most favorite job ever. I loved everything about the Montessori method, I adored the children and the parents were amazing. (My boss was a complete and total wench, but that’s a whole different story) Those kids, they were my life for three years. I worked there from 7am – 3pm every day and went to classes every night from 4:45 – 9:45pm. Hard? Of course, but that job made it all worth it.

I have this uncanny ability to remember faces and names, so i’ve run into a few of the kids i’ve taught here and there around town, but neither them or their parents recognized me or said anything. I never minded, it was seven years ago that I taught them and not everyone is a freak like me and can remember faces for almost a decade. But today, I had to run into the local Jr. High to drop something off. I was just about to walk back out the door when the secretary looked up and called my name. I turned around and she was like “I thought that was you, I’m Jack’s mom!” Whoa. I taught him when he was four and five and he’s now in the fifth grade. She remembered me. I told her I was surprised and her reply? “You shouldn’t be, you really made a difference in my little boy’s life.”

As I turned and walked out the door, tears were welling up in my eyes. It was all worth it for that one sentence.

I took the post down.   Feeding into internet drama is not my thing and I realize that in posting what I did, I was giving her what she wanted.  I don’t have to defend my actions to ANYONE, especially some stranger on the internet.   There’s a reason why I shy away from becoming friends with other AF wives, and I think now… it’s painfully obvious why.  Was I right bringing it public on my personal blog?  Probably not, but a wedding blog is certainly no place for a comment war.  Anyway, it’s done and over with now.  Thank you all for your support, it means the world.

MOVING ON!

Take five and go look at what my twin did.  She’s ridiculous and I adore her.  Submit a picture, let’s have some fun!

Internet was down all night last night for Matt, I didn’t get an email ’til almost 5am my time.  I lost a lot of sleep last night.  I know it’s probably needless worry and that he’s relatively okay where he’s stationed, but not hearing from him all day gets me seriously nervous.  I was awake until a little after 4a, so i’m running on minimal sleep.  Thank God today is my Friday.

With all of the AWESOME that has surrounded Love Harder, I wanted to let you all know that I’m (along with all of the other amazing Philly / NJ bloggers) running in the MMRF Race for Research.  It’s this October in Philadelphia, but they have them in San Fran, Boston, Chicago, the Twin Cities… probably somewhere close to you.  We all plan to run under the team of Love Harder and raise funds again in the name of H.A.D.  I think it would be AMAZING if we could get 20sb-ers represented in every city that there is a race in.  It’s a 5k, so it’s like 3ish miles.  If you don’t think you can run a 5k, go here.  Couch to 5k changed my life.

Matt so kindly noted that we are almost 1/3 of the way through this deployment when we had our Skype date on Monday night.  I guess in another ten ish days we will be 1/3 through this mess.  I have no idea how it’s going to “fly by” like so many people say, but here’s hoping.

Since he was so kind to tell me that we were almost 1/3 of the way through deployment, I sat up all night looking for THE PERFECT homecoming dress (I feel like i’m in High School saying “homecoming”).  I’ve decided that although insanely expensive and a completely ridiculous purchase, i’ll probably buy my dress from Anthropologie.  They are all just so classic and detailed and GORGEOUS.   Here’s a few of the ones that i’ve had my eye on…

Gorgeous, right?  That perfect yellow ribbon, the length, the fact that its a tank top sort of cut so I don’t have to worry about my dress falling down mid holy-crap-he’s-right-there!!! mad dash to my honey.  But wait, check this out.

LOOK AT THAT BACK! How stupid gorgeous is that cut out and that ruffle?!  My only issue is that I’m unsure how that ruffle is going to make my butt look.  Hm.

Another Yellow one, but I adore the detail of the black belt and the contrast between the two different patterns and colors.

I think this one might be my favorite.  I know, it’s strapless.  I don’t care.  I sort of prefer strapless because i’m so damn short.  I feel like not having my shoulders exposed and a dress that’s at my knee or just past makes me look stubby.

Thoughts?  Amazing places for really great dresses on the interwebs that won’t cost me my first born as payment?

We’re having a photographer from Operation Love come to homecoming, which i’m really excited about.  The last thing that I wanted to worry about was pictures, so they are going to take care of that for me which is AMAZING.   Beware when you click on that link though, the galleries had me all sorts of ugly crying.  It’s really beautiful though.

Until tonight, i’d never watched the movie.  I’m not one to get caught up in hype and i’m also very in tune with my own instincts… If a guy wasn’t that into me, I knew it and I didn’t need a book to tell me so.  Deployments give you a LOT of down time and a lot of quality time with the remote without your other half hogging it and turning on man TV.  He’s Just Not That Into You was on HBO so I figured i’d give it a go.  I mean, BRADLEY COOPER.  How bad could it possibly be?

I know i’m probably a little late on the jump, this movie has been out of a while… But holy hell was I pissed off after the first twenty minutes.  This movie, Scarlett Johansson (someone I usually LOVE), made my physically ill.  It goes on to basically validate every asshole behavior of men that there is.  The cheating, the game playing… it’s all ridiculous and suddenly, it’s okay and justifiable because “he’s just not that into you”.  I mean, excuse me?  It portrays women as despirate, weak and overbearing.  I can’t even put my finger on one thing that made me so furious… It can make even the most secure girl insecure in her own relationship.  I seriously sat here analyzing past behavior of the man I loved and then I realized what I was doing and seriously said out loud “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”.  Like, is that the movies intention?  To glorify cheating, shake women to their core and make them completely insecure and generally flip out?

If so, it definitely succeeded.  Not even the hotness of Bradley Cooper could save this one.  I turned it off twenty five minutes in.