Confessions of Jersey Girl

for every handful of good days that i have, there is always one day that just knocks the wind right out of me.  it’s not often that i have had a day where all i wanted to do was just sit and cry, but today was one of them.  i’ve been so overwhelmed lately and it’s just… it’s hard.  there has been work drama and drama with an past friend that has some serious passive aggressive issues.  add in to that mix trying to plan a wedding from a world apart and missing the hell out of the one person that has the ability to make all of this go away and you have an emotional disaster. i literally feel like my heart is in a vice grip.

i try as hard as i can to just… get from point a to point b throughout the day.  i try to appear perfectly normal even though my heart just has a constant ache.  i do what i have to do.  i try to be social when the occasion calls for it, get up and go to work on time (mostly), let the looks of pity from people when i say that matt is deployed just roll off my back.   it’s like i’m just getting through my days in this sort of haze.  i don’t want to ask for help with things because i don’t need it.  honestly, i think that part of me doesn’t want to come off as anything but a super woman.

everything that i do is done at half brain power because i spend every waking moment wondering what he’s doing, if he’s okay, what did he have for dinner?  is he exhausted?  i wonder if he’s eating okay.  does he have a lot of friends?  what does he do when he isn’t working? i know vague answers to all of these questions, but surprisingly i couldn’t really tell you.  i mean to those of you familiar with a deployment, i guess it isn’t so surprising.  we spend our valuable time emailing back and forth about wedding details, and how much we love each other.  i usually tell him what bills i paid and how much, i send pictures of me and the cat.   i’m forgetful and i’m scatterbrained, but it isn’t intentionally.

the emotions that have come with this whole deployment thing have caught me off guard.  as much as i try to be outwardly strong, sometimes it gets the better of me and i can go from hysterical laughter to a crying fit faster than a lamborghini can go from 0 to 60.  it’s true.  it’s a combination of stress, worry and heartache.  a fricken car insurance commercial sent me over the edge the other day.  i mean, really.

we’ve sort of been arguing about the guest list for the past two or three days.  i feel like it’s wrong to invite anyone but extremely close family and friends because you’re essentially asking someone to spend 2k going to your wedding.  tone gets misconstured, feelings get hurt and it’s hard.  it’s hard enough to plan a wedding sitting next to someone, let alone via spotty email conversation.  i keep trying to tell myself that it isn’t a big deal… because it isn’t.  it’s just hard because i feel like this should all be fun and it feels more like a chore that i have to force myself to do.

all of my emotions just came pouring out last night in a flood of emails.  good, bad, everything.  i told him everything, because i felt like he should know. while i was writing it, i was hysterical.  i know that i’m not cut out for this, i’m simply not meant to be alone… i’m not that strong.  everything just hurt so bad.  i was tired of fighting alone, i was tired of immature people playing silly games and i was tired of fighting with work to get what i deserve.  i think whenever someone gets to the point of emotional overload like i was last night, it just… it feels good to just cry.   once i get the tears out of my system, it’s like a clean slate.

part of me regretted emailing him like that,  but he emailed me back and instantly made me feel a thousand times better in a way that only he can do.  he told me to take a day off, spend time with my girls and go shopping.  you know what?  i think i will.

As many of my favorite brides to be know, getting your location is almost as important as getting your dress.  You can’t have a wedding without a venue for the actual wedding and a place for the reception.  Matt and I have changed our minds no less than a dozen times, and we’ve only been engaged for a month!

We started out thinking that a back yard cookout type wedding would be the best and most fun.  But, fitting over 200 people into a tiny back yard?  Not gonna work.  Then we decided that we might get married on the beach and have the reception at the yacht club, but at $165 PER PERSON…. I was looking at almost 30k just for the reception, and that my good friends is a little something called FUCKING INSANE.  So we decided to have a destination wedding and go on a cruise.  The downfall to that was that we couldn’t get married on the beach if we had more than 20 people.  We would have to get married in the church INSIDE the ship.  That didn’t work for me.   Why would I drag everyone down to the Carribean on a cruise if I wasn’t going to get married on the beach?  Also, the alcohol was extra.  And um.  I can drink. Especially Malibu Bay Breezes and wine.

Then we started talking about maybe a REAL destination wedding.  Now, a destination wedding is something that I never in a million years thought was in the cards for me.  Destination weddings are just something that you read about in magazines, you know?  But, broken down… it’s actually cheaper than a cruise.  So, we’re getting married in JAMAICA!

Today, I booked two weeks at the gorgeous Sandals Resort in Montego Bay.  Matt and I are going to go down before everyone and stay for another week our wedding as our honeymoon!  They have been amazing helping me plan this thing and they even have weddings that are designed by Martha Stewart!! (Seriously.  I worship at the altar of Rachael Ray and Martha.  Don’t judge me.)  I’ve been emailing Matt updates all day long and I can’t wait to hear back from him and hear how excited he is!

During our Skype chat last night, he sort of hurried me along in the whole wedding planning process…  He was worried that we wouldn’t be giving guests enough time to save and get this booked.  So, I spent all day today at work talking with my “Wedding Coordinator” (seriously, Sandals gives you your own personal WEDDING PLANNER.  /dies) and got the job done.  I’M GETTING MARRIED IN JAMAICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

As i’m sure many of you already know, in just under two weeks I am participating in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day.   As part of this event, I’ll walk 60 miles over the course of three days (That’s 20 MILES A DAY.  TWENTY.).  Also as a part of this amazing event, I have committed to raise $2,300 for the cause and I’m happy to say that yesterday, I hit my goal.

So many of you guys have supported me, donated money or sent an email of encouragement if you couldn’t donate… and that means everything to me.  I signed up for this journey back in April, and it’s changed me.  I’m a part of something bigger than myself, i’m a part of thousands of people fighting something.  I’m helping the world get one step closer to finding a cure.

It’s been a long four months full of fundraisers, late nights and lots and lots of training.  As someone who runs fairly regularly (you like how I threw that “fairly” in there, didn’t ya?), i’ll tell you right now… walking so SO MUCH DIFFERENT.  I just sort of figured that since I was in good shape and I ran a few times a week just walking 20 miles a day wouldn’t hurt me.  Ohhh, was I ever wrong.  There have been blisters and bandages, shoe changes and sock adjustments.  I’ve switched out waistpacks and waterbottles becuase they were too heavy or the strap was rubbing wrong.  My feet have scars all over the place from where my shoes rubbed the wrong way for just a little too long.  I’ve lost count of the miles i’ve walked.

I’ve baked cupcakes, served cocktails, made chocolate covered pretzels with pink white chocolate, i’ve hung fliers, sold merchandise and i’ve spent hours sitting outside of local stores with a donation jar with my best friend.  I’ve had people tell me that no, they won’t donate.   I’ve had people tell me that what I was doing was silly, that it was SO MUCH money to raise.  I’ve had people tell me that it’s “not normal” to walk 60 miles.  Yesterday while my girlfriend Stephanie and I were sitting outside of a local walmart with our table decked out in pink & filled with merchandise, chocolate pretzels in bags tied with pink ribbons and brownies with pink icing ribbons on them, some guy walked by us and then came back, looked at us and said “$1 for a freaking brownie?  I can understand like $.50 or something, but not $1.  You girls are ridiculous.”  Stephanie just looked at the guy as said “It’s for charity, sir.” and let me just tell you, homeboy was so lucky that it took me a second to realize what was going on, because I wouldn’t have been so nice.  Stephanie and I were really hurt by this, we had worked so hard and done so much… and for one person to come along and actually take the time out of his day to make us feel bad?  Ridiculous.  Most people would just drop $1 into our jar, so we thought it would be nice to give them a brownie or a few pretzels.  It worked out well, we raised over $350 in five hours.

In those same five hours though, we heard stories from local women that were survivors.  We had one woman come up to us, give us a hug and tell us that she was just diagnosed and she was amazed that two young people would actually care so much.  I’ve been in stores shopping and had on one of my team tshirts and had a woman come up to me with tears in her eyes and just want to give me a hug.  I’ve heard stories of men who have lost sisters, husbands who have lost wives,  daughters that have lost mothers, husbands who have lost wives.  I can recount each and every one of these stories and I can remember the faces of the people that told them to me.  You don’t hear stories like that and forget.  It dawned on me not too long ago.  This walk, it’s not all about finding a cure for breast cancer.  It’s about giving people hope.  It’s about letting people in the middle of a struggle know that someone out there cares.  That’s what makes this all so worth it.  The people that thank us, the people that tell us we’re doing an amazing thing.  It’s about coming together as a group, as a community and finding a cure for breast cancer so we don’t have to keep losing people we love.

I’m walking this year on team Birds for Boobs.  We are a team of women (EAGLES fans!  E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!!! Ahem.), 39 members strong.  So far this year, we have raised over $60,000 for The 3 Day.  I’m pretty proud of us.  On the 16th of this month, i’ll be heading up to the City of Brotherly Love (Philadelphia!) to begin my 60 mile journey.  It’s going to be hard, there are times i’m going to want to quit… of this i’m sure.  But i’ll do it.  I’ll make it with the strength of all of the amazing people I have met so far who have shared their stories and let us know their fight.  I’m doing this for them.

If you are in the Philadelphia area, please consider coming out to cheer on the walkers!  There are cheering stations set up and we would LOVE to see you out there.  If you aren’t available this year, think about getting involved in 2010!  If not The 3 Day, then ANYTHING.  Get off your butt and make a difference in something.  You’d be surprised how amazing it feels to make a difference!

So he was picking me up at 6:30p.  I didn’t really think much of it, but my poor mother (who, for the record, has been calling this boy her son for the past ten-ish years) was in a tizzy.   She asked me what I was wearing and I was all “um, denim shorts and a cute top?”  Apparently that was not sufficient because she begged me to put on a dress, so I gave in (Dresses are not out of the ordinary for me, i’m always in them.).  I didn’t do anything special with my hair, in fact… I think I just pulled it up in a ponytail.  What can I say, I’m a huge fan of casual.

So, he picked me up at 6:30 and we were off!  Shopping first to find the perfect present for a five year old.  We settled on a Wii game, how predictable.  After we were done our shopping, we headed over to Olive Garden for dinner.  This made me happy, because I can basically exist on their salad and bread sticks.   We sat at the bar and ordered a few drinks because there was a wait.   I settled into my wonderful glass of Pinot Grigio and he was drinking some god awful kind of red wine.  When we were seated, I ordered another glass.  When our food came, I ordered another glass.  When we were halfway through our dinner, Matt ordered me a bottle.   FANTASTIC.  I was already four glasses deep in 45 minutes, I DID NOT NEED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE.  But whatever, I went with it.

It needs to be said that when i’m nervous and alcohol (especially wine.  I love wine.) is placed in front of me, I drink.  I drink fast in the hopes of not having to speak or deal with the situation at hand.  I’m oh so classy, right?  (Shut up, you love me.)  So I have half of a glass from the new bottle he ordered and we left the OG and went off to visit his brother, which happens to be one of my most favorite people in the world.  Really.  He’s great.   So we got to his brothers house and what was his brother drinking?  Why Pinot Grigio!  WIN!

Over the course of two hours, I pretty much chugged two bottles of wine.   I remember having a serious conversation with his brother about Matt and I and then NOTHING.  I remember throwing up.  I remember throwing up A LOT and profusely apologizing for it.  Matt and his bro were awesome and totally made sure I didn’t pass out in my own vomit, which I thought was really nice.  I’m such a freaking disaster.  The worst part?  It was like… 11p.  It wasn’t even late.  Also?  I had work the next day!  Fun!

So I passed out on the couch with Matt and woke up at about 6am the next morning to go home and get myself together for work.   We got into the car and made it to the Garden State Parkway without incident but at about exit 28?  I had to ask him to pull over.  So, there I was at about 6:30 in the morning, throwing up out of a car on the GSP.   Matt was a great sport and just kept asking if I was okay and rubbed my back.  I seriously debated calling out of work, but I look at work hungover as a repentance for my sin of getting shit faced on a work night.   I made it into work at 9am, looking a hot mess.

I threw up ALL DAY.  Cracker? Barf.  Water? Barf.  Cheeto? Barf.  Around noon, Matt showed up with a happy meal for me.  He drove 45 minutes in Saturday Jersey Shore traffic to bring me chicken mcnuggets.  Which I didn’t eat.  The smell of the french fries was enough to kill me at this point.  I was still throwing up the half a cheez it that I tried to eat at 9:15a.  So, two days into this… he’s holding back my hair, cleaning up after my um, alcohol issues AND bringing me a happy meal?  Lord, I think I found a keeper.

I eventually made it out of work and home.  He met me at my house after he had gotten done his shift and just sat on the couch with me for hours.  Finally around 10:30p, I requested a large order of french fries from mcdonalds.  Him and my sister happily obliged and went to get them for me.  Let me tell you, it was the best order of french fries I had ever had.  I heard angels singing.

So that was night number 2.   For night number 3?  We sat up and talked about EVERYTHING.  We were up til 3am.  It was funny because I had it all set in my head that if he was a bad kisser, I was running for the hills.  I am very happy to report, that is SO not the case.  We talked about the us that was, we talked about being us again.   We talked about the future.  We talked about really doing this for real.  We talked about how, if we did this… It wasn’t just going to be dating.  We already know each other so well that it didn’t make much sense to just “date”.   I’m not gonna lie… this scared me a little, but at the same time I was totally cool with it.  Which, was weird.  This past year, I have been so resolved to doing my own thing.  I have been so happy traveling, answering to no one… the thought that I might have to go back to that again was a little strange.

We’ve spent time just having so much fun the past few weeks.  He makes me smile like no one I have ever met.  He genuinely cares about how I feel and what I think.  He’s crazy about me.  When we wake up in the morning, I can’t wait to talk to him.  I’ve found myself waking up before my alarm and staying awake just so I can take it all in, just so that I can enjoy the quite morning laying there with him holding me.   To want to be awake before my alarm?  It’s so out of character for me.  Now instead of hitting snooze one more time to drift off to sleep for ten more minutes, I hit it one more time so I can just lay there and be in the moment.

Nine years has finally come full circle.  This past year?  Same thing.  It’s been the hardest year of my life this far.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, taken more chances, seen more places, made more friends than ever before.  I finally found my happy place.  I think that everything that I have been through?  It’s been to get me to this place.  All of the bad?  It’s so that I would realize how absolutely amazing my life can be.

I accepted a LOT in the past that is just flat out unacceptable.  I think a lot of us women do.  We convince ourselves that what we have is amazing, out of convenience.  Believe me, i’ve done it.  We believe that how we are treated, even if it’s not bad and just mediocre, is how it’s supposed to be.  I was never treated poorly in any of my relationships, let me be very clear about that.  I was just… treated averagely.  I have been so amazingly swept off of my feet these past few weeks I hope these words do it justice.  It all feels so normal, so perfect.  All I needed to do was let myself feel this way.

Today?  We were prequalified for a mortgage.  I wrote a contract and we put an offer in on a house.  A gorgeous, BRAND NEW, 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom home that will be OURS.   It might seem kind of crazy, but if you knew the two of us and our story (which now you do) it fits right in with all the insanity that we’ve been through the past decade.  It’s just our style.  Both of our familes are thrilled.  Everyone is so supportive and excited for us to do this.  Like i’ve said a thousand times, it’s been a long hard road for me… but i’ve finally realized what it’s all about.  I’ve found my forever and I couldn’t be happier.

What I ordered.  I even upgraded to premium (and paid almost $70!) so I didn’t get something lousy.

What arrived.  It’s a LOT smaller than it looks and DEFINITELY not even close to $70 worth of flowers.  Notice how the main colors in the flowers I ordered were deep pink, orange and yellow.   Also?  There were many roses.  I got two.

MOTHERS DAY FLOWERS FAIL.

Screw you Teleflora, you’ll be hearing from me on Monday.