Confessions of Jersey Girl

today…

the sky is a little bluer.  the grass is a little greener.  my smile is a bit bigger & my heart is a little fuller.

i feel like this past year… this dramatic, hard, heartbreaking, challenging, damn-i-cant-believe-i-didnt-die year has come full circle.

i feel like my life has finally taken a turn in the past few weeks for the amazing.  it wasn’t all of the sudden that life just got great, but little by little everything just fell into place.

i wouldn’t trade the ups and downs of this past year for anything.  it’s been the hardest thing i’ve ever had to go through, self discovery is quite the bitch.  self actualization however… well, that’s something pretty amazing.

i woke up this morning smiling for no reason.  i was awake and out of my bed a full fifteen minutes before my alarm went off because i couldn’t take it anymore… i was just so excited to start the day.

standing in front of the mirror this morning, pre-primp and makeup, i took a second and i just looked at myself.  just stared into the mirror and sort of said to myself  “wow, you made it. you didn’t think you would… but here you are”.  in that same moment, i asked myself if i would change anything in my life right now, what would it be?  and the answer?

absolutely nothing.

I was nineteen.  I had just chopped off all of  my hair in a fit of teenage rebellion. I was in Philly for a concert and I was sure I was adorably flirty and charming in a way that only underage drunks can be (obnoxious and belligerent to the rest of the world, im sure). I was fresh off my inaugural broken heart and I was looking for something new, though I wasn’t quite sure what that was. Little did I know what the night had in store.

It was a warm summer night. South street stunk like rotten garbage, sewer and old cheese steak grease. I had never felt more independent. We rush into the TLA on South Street in Philly to claim our spots in the front row, in perfect position to oogle Jason Wade. (yes. We were seeing Lifehouse. I live life on the edge. Don’t judge me) at the start of the night I had no idea that handsome piece of man would be the last thing on my mind.

You see, I have a thing for unconventionally hot guys. Sure I love the muscley GQ types too… And I’ve had my fair share. But, it’s always the unique ones that completely captivate me. Which is why, when I laid eyes on their guitar player, I was enamored. Mounds of curly red hair, freckles, probably a little too skinny, but  Oh man was he hot.

Somewhere during the fourth or fifth song, we made eye contact. It was one of those moments that give people goosebumps. There was an instant connection. I don’t think I took my eyes off that kid the rest of the night. I swear, I kept thinking of ways to avoid sleeping with the guitar player of a famous band (funny how’s times change, huh? Now I’d be plotting ways to make it not seem obvious how bad I wanted to bget in his pants).

I didn’t know what to do so I bought a cd and got to hang around after to meet the band and have them sign it for me. I was praying he’d remember me. Guess what? He did. I leaned in for the pic and he mumbled into my ear to hang around after his whole mess.  So, I did.

He met me outside. I ended up playing Playstation on a tour bus and making out all night.  All.  Night. Mmm.  At the end of the night / start of the morning we exchanged numbers and parted ways. We texted back and forth for a while always planning to meet up but knowing we never would. Eventually, it died off but man… I love this story.

The best part? I googled him. He dated Michelle branch. I love Michelle ranch and you know what?! We totally kissed he same guy.

This morning, I was dry heaving into a pink tupperware container so I didn’t have to stop and be late to work.  Classy.

(And the whole time I was doing this… I kept thinking THIS IS GOING ON THE BLOG.)

When Erin sent around an email inviting everyone to join in for a “bridal shower” for the lovely Renee, I was all over it! (I don’t have any um, wedding advice or relationship anecdotes because um, HI.  Have you read this blog?  I’m a hot mess) Renee is one of the very first girls that I became friends with on 20SB.  Truthfully, she was one of those bloggers that was “famous” to me, larger than life.  I never would have imagined that down the road we would meet up and I would absolutely adore her as much as I do.  Seriously.  Vegas?  Although we didn’t get to spend as much time together as I would have liked (um, every second? yeah, that would have worked), we did have an amazing happy hour and some pretty awesome time in the sun.  And I mean, what’s not to love about this face?

I mean, come ON.  Gorgeous.  Ahem.  ANYWAY.  Vegas, meeting Renee, everything we did there… it changed me.  She was a huge part of the reason that I went to Vegas, she is a huge reason my life has changed so much in the past year.  Vegas changed a lot of us for the better and I’m just so grateful that she was a part of it.

In a few short weeks, Miss Renee is getting hitched!  I remember when she first did the post telling the world she was engaged!  I seriously squealed at my desk a little reading it and I was just SO HAPPY for her.  Life has so many amazing things in store for her and this is only the beginning.  Best wishes Renee, I hope your wedding day is as spectacular as you are.  LOVE YOU!

ps.  In the spirit of weddings, I’m going to leave you with my absolute favorite YouTube video EVER.  I want to do this with my fellow music geeks for a wedding.  Maybe all of those lessons as a kid could pay off!  I thought since Renee was an oh so talented singer, she might appreciate this too.  Enjoy!

Raise your hand if you remember your first love.  Come on.  I know you do.  I wonder sometimes how many people met and are still with thier first loves.  For me, that whole time in my life… from 16-19 is sort of, not real anymore.  I’ve forgotten all of the bad and only remember the good.  Do we all do that?  I can remember being 16 and completely swept off my feet by this adorable boy.  A soccer player that would later become a US Marine.  I remember first dates.  I remember emails and letters.  I remember waiting patiently all week for him to make the drive down to see me. I remember feeling like every single fight was the end of the world.  I remember first kisses surrounded by Christmas lights.

I remember the Christmas at the end of our very first year of dating.  I remember him sending me out to look for his cell phone in the pocket of his jacket, finding a box with a beautiful little diamond ring.  I remember the ache in my heart every sunday when he’d leave me to head home.  I remember fights because he wanted to see his friends, but I wanted him all to myself.  I remember breaking up and laying on my couch for a week, inconsolable.  I remember a month after breaking up, seeing him and sleeping with him.  Thinking that everything would be okay because we slept together and you don’t sleep with someone you don’t want to be with.  (Oh poor little naive me…)

It’s funny though, because I know it was not as good as I remember… yet when I look back, all I remember is the good.  I think with first loves, that’s what happens.  You always look back and remember how amazing it was.  You’ll always have a piece of your heart saved for the guy that swept you off your feet when you were just a kid.

I was just thinking tonight how amazingly grateful I am for every single bad relationship i’ve ever had.  Now I know not to freak out when he wants guy time.  Now I know how to voice my opinions in a way that gets my point across but avoids a fight.   Now I know how important it is to have my own friends, my own hobbies and my own things to do.  Now I know how important it is to not let your life revolve around a man.  Now I know what it feels like to have a broken heart heal and be stronger because of it.

Have any of you guys married or are still with your very first love?  How have you grown together as a couple?

If you’re not with your first love… What have you learned from your failed relationships?  What got you through the heartbreak?