Confessions of Jersey Girl

“it’s been a long time since my heart hurt like this, since i cried like i did last night. but i know i’m going to be okay. i know i’m following my heart and putting rachel first, for the first time in my life. i heard someone say that love is messy, it sure is. nothing about this is easy, but i’m going to live and i’m going to feel better about myself because i’ll know i followed my heart.”

The above was taken from my blog on this day exactly one year ago today.  I’ve been waiting for the 24th of August to come and go because then, I will have made it through a year.   Only after the passing of yesterday do I feel like i’m free.  It’s such a weird thing to feel the way that I felt about that day.  I just felt like I needed to get past it, like I needed to get to today to be able to fully put everything behind me and move past it all.

That post, that simple paragraph?  That was when this amazing year of epic-ness started for me.  On that day, I decided to throw caution to the wind and start paying a little more attention to what my heart was telling me.  Was it easy?  FUCK NO.  Was it worth it?  Unbelievably so.   The best part?  It’s not over yet, it hasn’t even really started.  This past year wasn’t just the YEAR of epic-ness… It was the year I decided to make my entire life AMAZING.

Things are crazy right now.  But there are times in the day when I catch myself smiling just because I thought about how amazing my life is and how wonderful the people are that I choose to surround myself with.  I say “choose” because that is a HUGE thing i’ve learned.  As an adult, you learn the importance of CHOOSING who to associate with.  You learn to cut out the people that bring drama.  You learn to cut out the friendships that are one sided.  You learn that you deserve better for yourself than half assed friendships and you start focusing on building solid relationships with people that mean the world to you, rather than feeling obligated to keep up friendships that aren’t making your life a thousand times better.

I’m not shy now about speaking up when I want something.  I’m no longer scared of change, I embrace it.  When I feel like i’m getting the shoddy end of the deal, you had better believe that you are going to hear it from me.  I don’t allow myself or the people that I love to be treated unfairly, but I will always, ALWAYS go about things with grace and maturity becuase otherwise?  People just think you’re a bitch and no one likes that.

It’s just been such a long year, I really never thought I was going to make it through.  You know when you are right in the middle of something and it feels like its the ABSOLUTE END OF THE GOD DAMNED WORLD and you’re just going to DIE RIGHT THERE?  I had that feeling, I felt that for a solid six months.  It sucked.  It really sucked.  But the thing is, it gets better.  I told myself that going through all of this.  I sat on my couch crying, clutching a pillow to my chest, feeling like my heart was just going to burst it hurt so much just repeatedly reminding myself that this was going to pass, that soon it wouldn’t hurt so much, eventually I was going to be okay.   It was weird KNOWING this at the time.  I was too young to remember this the last time I was nursing a broken heart, but now?  I knew I was going to be okay and that sort of changed everything for me.

So, it’s been a year.  I am a completely different person.  I am in a completely different place in my life right now.  I am ridiculously in love with life.   It’s amazing what can change in just 365 short little days.

As I’m sure that you all know, I spent this weekend in NYC with my favorite people in the world… a bunch of 20SBs!  This, unfortunately, didn’t leave much time for video blogging.  What it did leave time for was lots of delicious wine, great food, wandering around and blogger slumber parties… complete with room service.  We know how to do it up RIGHT.

BUT!  NEVER FEAR!  I was captured on a video blog!  My dearest Phammy composed a video blog of all the 20SBs at Slate in Chelsea, Saturday night.  It’s pretty amazing.

You can check it out here.  You’ll thank me later. :)

Well, tomorrow is my birthday.  And that?  That’s me without a stitch of makeup on my face.  It’s funny because this picture?  It’s not my facebook default pic, except black and white.   This one though?  I didn’t edit one bit.  As much as I wanted to smudge out a few blemishes, as much as I wanted to even out my skin tone… I didn’t.  The more I stare at this picture the more I’m okay with my blemishes, my forehead wrinkles and my Cindy Crawford mole.  It’s easier now for me to pick things out about me that I love… My green eyes, the color of my lips, my mole beauty mark.

I’m entering into my 25th year of life, that’s a quarter century folks.  While it’s not old by any means, I am certainly not a child anymore.  I’m old enough to stand on my own two feet.  I’m old enough to make decisions and stand by them.  I’m old enough to say “I remember when…”.  But i’ll not too old to have sour patch kids with my wine, eat chicken fingers, watch The Little Mermaid or car dance my ass off with my best friends.

I’m old enough to be comfortable in my own skin.  As a former (and depending on which day you catch me now) fat girl, I never thought i’d be able to say that.  I’m comfortable with my wrinkles (the ONE that I have), i’m okay with the fact that there will always be a little dimple in my left thigh no matter how far I run.  I’ve accepted the fact that i’m not one of those girls that is going to be a size two.  I’m old enough to know that I need to take care of my body, eat right and excersise… even when I want to thow a tantrum like a four year old.

Being 24?  It changed me.  I did things in the last 365 days that I never, ever dreamed that I would do.  I’ve proven to be so much stronger than I had ever given myself credit for.  I’ve laughed, I’ve cried & I’ve made new friends.  I’ve taken chances.  I’ve been hurt.  I’ve been lifted up.  I am a completely different, stronger, more self assured version of myself this birthday.  I’m not scared to live my life anymore.

So many of YOU have had a hand in helping me to find this person within myself.  So many of you have taught me that I have so much to offer.  So many of you have made me feel comfortable enough in my own skin to post a picture of me on the internet WITHOUT MAKE UP ON.  Which, is INSANE.

So anyway, the point is… Here’s me completely naked(face) for Kerri.  It’s something I’ve thought so long about doing, but just couldn’t bring myself to actually um, DO.

So he was picking me up at 6:30p.  I didn’t really think much of it, but my poor mother (who, for the record, has been calling this boy her son for the past ten-ish years) was in a tizzy.   She asked me what I was wearing and I was all “um, denim shorts and a cute top?”  Apparently that was not sufficient because she begged me to put on a dress, so I gave in (Dresses are not out of the ordinary for me, i’m always in them.).  I didn’t do anything special with my hair, in fact… I think I just pulled it up in a ponytail.  What can I say, I’m a huge fan of casual.

So, he picked me up at 6:30 and we were off!  Shopping first to find the perfect present for a five year old.  We settled on a Wii game, how predictable.  After we were done our shopping, we headed over to Olive Garden for dinner.  This made me happy, because I can basically exist on their salad and bread sticks.   We sat at the bar and ordered a few drinks because there was a wait.   I settled into my wonderful glass of Pinot Grigio and he was drinking some god awful kind of red wine.  When we were seated, I ordered another glass.  When our food came, I ordered another glass.  When we were halfway through our dinner, Matt ordered me a bottle.   FANTASTIC.  I was already four glasses deep in 45 minutes, I DID NOT NEED AN ENTIRE BOTTLE.  But whatever, I went with it.

It needs to be said that when i’m nervous and alcohol (especially wine.  I love wine.) is placed in front of me, I drink.  I drink fast in the hopes of not having to speak or deal with the situation at hand.  I’m oh so classy, right?  (Shut up, you love me.)  So I have half of a glass from the new bottle he ordered and we left the OG and went off to visit his brother, which happens to be one of my most favorite people in the world.  Really.  He’s great.   So we got to his brothers house and what was his brother drinking?  Why Pinot Grigio!  WIN!

Over the course of two hours, I pretty much chugged two bottles of wine.   I remember having a serious conversation with his brother about Matt and I and then NOTHING.  I remember throwing up.  I remember throwing up A LOT and profusely apologizing for it.  Matt and his bro were awesome and totally made sure I didn’t pass out in my own vomit, which I thought was really nice.  I’m such a freaking disaster.  The worst part?  It was like… 11p.  It wasn’t even late.  Also?  I had work the next day!  Fun!

So I passed out on the couch with Matt and woke up at about 6am the next morning to go home and get myself together for work.   We got into the car and made it to the Garden State Parkway without incident but at about exit 28?  I had to ask him to pull over.  So, there I was at about 6:30 in the morning, throwing up out of a car on the GSP.   Matt was a great sport and just kept asking if I was okay and rubbed my back.  I seriously debated calling out of work, but I look at work hungover as a repentance for my sin of getting shit faced on a work night.   I made it into work at 9am, looking a hot mess.

I threw up ALL DAY.  Cracker? Barf.  Water? Barf.  Cheeto? Barf.  Around noon, Matt showed up with a happy meal for me.  He drove 45 minutes in Saturday Jersey Shore traffic to bring me chicken mcnuggets.  Which I didn’t eat.  The smell of the french fries was enough to kill me at this point.  I was still throwing up the half a cheez it that I tried to eat at 9:15a.  So, two days into this… he’s holding back my hair, cleaning up after my um, alcohol issues AND bringing me a happy meal?  Lord, I think I found a keeper.

I eventually made it out of work and home.  He met me at my house after he had gotten done his shift and just sat on the couch with me for hours.  Finally around 10:30p, I requested a large order of french fries from mcdonalds.  Him and my sister happily obliged and went to get them for me.  Let me tell you, it was the best order of french fries I had ever had.  I heard angels singing.

So that was night number 2.   For night number 3?  We sat up and talked about EVERYTHING.  We were up til 3am.  It was funny because I had it all set in my head that if he was a bad kisser, I was running for the hills.  I am very happy to report, that is SO not the case.  We talked about the us that was, we talked about being us again.   We talked about the future.  We talked about really doing this for real.  We talked about how, if we did this… It wasn’t just going to be dating.  We already know each other so well that it didn’t make much sense to just “date”.   I’m not gonna lie… this scared me a little, but at the same time I was totally cool with it.  Which, was weird.  This past year, I have been so resolved to doing my own thing.  I have been so happy traveling, answering to no one… the thought that I might have to go back to that again was a little strange.

We’ve spent time just having so much fun the past few weeks.  He makes me smile like no one I have ever met.  He genuinely cares about how I feel and what I think.  He’s crazy about me.  When we wake up in the morning, I can’t wait to talk to him.  I’ve found myself waking up before my alarm and staying awake just so I can take it all in, just so that I can enjoy the quite morning laying there with him holding me.   To want to be awake before my alarm?  It’s so out of character for me.  Now instead of hitting snooze one more time to drift off to sleep for ten more minutes, I hit it one more time so I can just lay there and be in the moment.

Nine years has finally come full circle.  This past year?  Same thing.  It’s been the hardest year of my life this far.  I’ve cried more, laughed more, taken more chances, seen more places, made more friends than ever before.  I finally found my happy place.  I think that everything that I have been through?  It’s been to get me to this place.  All of the bad?  It’s so that I would realize how absolutely amazing my life can be.

I accepted a LOT in the past that is just flat out unacceptable.  I think a lot of us women do.  We convince ourselves that what we have is amazing, out of convenience.  Believe me, i’ve done it.  We believe that how we are treated, even if it’s not bad and just mediocre, is how it’s supposed to be.  I was never treated poorly in any of my relationships, let me be very clear about that.  I was just… treated averagely.  I have been so amazingly swept off of my feet these past few weeks I hope these words do it justice.  It all feels so normal, so perfect.  All I needed to do was let myself feel this way.

Today?  We were prequalified for a mortgage.  I wrote a contract and we put an offer in on a house.  A gorgeous, BRAND NEW, 3 bedroom and 2 bathroom home that will be OURS.   It might seem kind of crazy, but if you knew the two of us and our story (which now you do) it fits right in with all the insanity that we’ve been through the past decade.  It’s just our style.  Both of our familes are thrilled.  Everyone is so supportive and excited for us to do this.  Like i’ve said a thousand times, it’s been a long hard road for me… but i’ve finally realized what it’s all about.  I’ve found my forever and I couldn’t be happier.

I’m posting this today for a wonderful blogger & friend.  Rachel from I’m a Mom in Real Life has dedicated so much of her time and energy trying to make the world a better place, trying to make sure EVERYONE has the same rights.  She wrote this post with the hopes that us, as a community of young bloggers, could create a movement… make change happen.  I truly believe it’s possible for all of us to change the world and it starts with spreading the word.

LGBTQ rights may not be something you personally think about, but I guarantee it could effect you.  What if the government suddenly decided to not let brunettes marry blondes?  That just because your husband was black or asian or whatever and you were white, you weren’t able to be by his side in a hospital while he was gravely ill?  Pretty insane, right?  Not so much if you are a gay man looking for the same rights.  It’s not fair and it has to be stopped.

Please read Rachel’s post below.  Repost it on your own blog if you would like, or just link to the same post on her blog. It’s all about getting the word out.  If you are able, give up your morning coffee, give up that fancy lunch and make a donation to REALLY help some people out.  Every little bit really makes a world of difference.  Let’s spread the word.  Let’s make some waves.  Let’s change things.

This is the most important post I have ever written.
I am asking for your help.
I need the help of my regulars, my lurkers, my scanners, my haters.
I need you to help me spread the word.

As many of you know I am heavily involved in the March on DC for LGBTQ equal federal rights. I am involved in the Chicago chapter of Join The Impact, but this March goes further than the borders of Chicagoland. There are LGBTQ needing help, needing support all over the country. This March is for them.

We are not marching for gay marriage, we are not marching to hate on the Bible, we are marching to get federal rights for all of America’s citizens. We are marching so that a person who fights and risks their lives for their country should be able to carry a picture of their partner in the uniform. We are marching so that when a gay man gets beaten and tied to a fence post to die it is considered a hate crime. We are marching so that a good teacher will not lose her job because she loves another woman. We are marching so that a senior citizen can honor the wishes of their partner of 50 years when they get seriously ill and be allowed to stay by their bedside to provide comfort.

Cleve Jones is hoping to have every district in the country represented at Washington DC. To do that we need to get people there. How can you help?

*if you live in the Chicago area or are willing to travel to Chicago you can join me! For $100 (given to JTI Chicago) you can get on a bus Saturday night, march on DC Sunday, be back home early Monday morning. I’m going! We can watch movies, talk, take a million pictures, do some good! What a way to start your fall!

*if you can’t make it but want to help you can donate! See that beautiful yellow paypal button? For the price of a beer or a coffee you can help someone that can’t afford to go, someone that desperately needs to find some support. This money is NOT for me, all money will go to JTI Chicago which they put towards getting people on buses.

*if you can’t spare the funds you can help spread the word! Post this post on your blog. Reference this if you write a post in your own words. Link to it. Tweet about it (#mominreallifefundraiser). Tumblr it. Facebook it. Digg/Stumble/Reddit it. I don’t care what, just keep it going. Be honest, how much work does it take? Let those know out there that you want to help!

Help me help them.

Please.

“People never forget that helping hand especially when times are tough.”
Catherine Pulsifer