Confessions of Jersey Girl

We’ve got less than a week left together and what we do have left together is action packed.  It’s a mess of picking up uniforms, packing, getting things together and getting paperwork in order.  There is so much to do and not a whole lot of time to do it in.  I’ve been mentally preparing myself for what it’s going to be like when I come home and it’s just me here.  I’ve been making and effort to take notice of how awesome it is to lay in bed and have his arms around me, to be conscious of everything that I feel in that moment so that I have soemthing to hang on to while he isn’t here.  I’ve been enjoying the little things and taking the time to just be near him instead of worry about getting the dishes clean or running the vacuum.  There’s plenty of time to do that between now and June.

Today was one of the very last days off we have together and it was wonderful.  We spent all morning snuggled up in bed and then we spent the afternoon getting pictures taken by my wonderful friend Sara.  She used my trusty Rebel XT and got some wonderful shots.  I wanted to take the time to do this before he left so that I’d have something while he was gone.  Once he gets home, we will have been engaged for like… 7 months or something ridiculous like that.  We had an absolute blast just laughing and doing what we do.

There really aren’t words for how much I adore this man.  He really is my everything.

My face is currently broken out in an epic thirteen year old pubescent fashion.  I have SIX pimples on my face.  SIX.  This is not okay.  I never break out like this, and it is only making me stress out even more.  I have been trying everything and I want to die.  I have a VERY IMPORTANT thing to do on Tuesday morning and I would appreciate it if my face would get with the program and clear the eff up already.  It’s ugly and it hurts and i’ve had enough.  I’m 25.  I’ve done puberty before, I would not like to go through this again.

I got my freaking period the other day.  I’m sorry if you aren’t interested in hearing about that, but again.  I have important things to do this upcoming week and this is unacceptable.  I stopped taking my birth control as soon as I found out that they moved matts date up in an effort to get this done and over with as soon as humanly possible, but it’s not looking good.  FAIL.

I am helping out with a charity benefit today and tomorrow.  Everyone that was supposed to help us out bailed last night, and I got a completely hysterical call from one of my best girlfriends that owns the massage studio that is putting the benefit on.  I ended up having to bake 100 chocolate chip cookies, 48 orange cupcakes, 2 trays of chicken wing dip and make 100 mango colored ribbon pin things.

Matt’s aunt that I have yet to meet decided to stop by the house last night too.  She was already there when I got home from work.  There were ELEVEN people in my house last night.  Not counting Matt and I.  Um, WHAT?

Matt’s mom brought me wine.  And a card.  And a little christmas puppy thing that has ears that move and it was really funny and totally cheered me up.

Today has to be better, right?

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  Before you dig into your turkey this afternoon, please take a second to be thankful for the men and women serving our country that aren’t able to be home around the table with their families this year.  They are fighting a war to keep this country safe, to defend all of the things that so many of us are thankful for this year.

I am so proud of Matt and of all of our military.  So many men and women give their lives so that we can have a better tomorrow, so that our country can stay the truly great place that it is.

This year, I am thankful that Matt will be here for Thanksgiving.  (Granted, he’s working for the PD until 11pm, I never said life was perfect…) I am thankful for the amazing year that I have had, and I am thankful that I have gotten to share so many moments with so many of you that read this blog.  I am thankful for my family.  My mom, dad and sister have been there for me through so much.  I am thankful for my newly extended family in the form of a mother in law, father in law, brother in law and sister in law.  They are all truly amazing people and I am blessed to have them in my life.  I am thankful for change, and for the courage to make that change.  I’m thankful for everyone that has pushed me, encouraged me, cried with me and celebrated with me this past year.  I am so ubelievably thankful for my friends, the ones I see everyday and the ones that I don’t.  I’m thankful for VEGAS, and experience that truly changed my life.  I’m thankful for mistakes and the lessons that they have taught me.  I’m thankful for ten more days with the man that I love with every piece of my heart.  I’m thankful for thanksgiving, finally a meal where I can eat just side dishes and be happy about it.  I’m just plain thankful for everything this year, and it’s a really great feeling.

You don’t know?!  Good, because I have no idea either, I just know it’s been a long, long while.  Please don’t hate me for the blog post vomit.  I’m stressed out and when i’m stressed out, I need to write.  I need to talk myself into circles and go around and around until I figure out my shit or get dizzy and throw up.  I’ve been feeling like throwing up a lot lately.  My stomach doesn’t handle the stress very well.

Matt’s deployment date has been moved up.  Only by three days, but when you only had 13ish days left?  Three days is A LOT of days.  That’s 72 hours less than I would have had with him if he were leaving on his “original date (the quotation marks are completely called for.  they have moved his date so many times I have 100% lost count).  We have so much to accomplish before he leaves that this loss of 72 hours is really going to hurt.  We’re struggling to get this all done and still have enough time left over for a little bit of together time before he leaves.

I really, just want everything to STOP.  I don’t want to have obligations to the military.  I don’t want to have obligations to the police department or to my job.  I just want to fall asleep with him and not get out of bed until we have to.  I’m being careful to not let this whole sadness thing get the better of me, we have a wedding to plan and I need to focus on all of the good in my life!

Yeah, it looks like it will most definitely be a September wedding and I’m so excited.  So, I need to throw myself into planning mode, and even though I have a vision of what I want in my head, you had better believe i’m trying on 9,000 dresses and buying some bridal magazines.  You know, just for fun.

So, I’ve been engaged for… less than 72 hours.  It’s still pretty surreal.  I keep playing him asking me over and over again in my head and I get all sorts of giddy just thinking about it.  Really.  People have been asking us left and right if we’ve picked a date yet.  (Seriously, does that drive anyone else NUTS?) I haven’t put much thought into it recently, but Matt and I have talked about it a lot the last few months.

We know we (when I say “we”, I really mean “I” because Matt is perfectly happy as long as i’m happy) want to get married when it’s warm out, late May to early September at the latest.

We know we want it to be on the beach because well, if you know me at all… you know you can find me on the beach from April til September.  It’s my home, it’s OUR home… it’s just important to me to have it on the beach.

We want it to be as informal as humanly possible.  I look at our wedding as kind of a “formality”, I guess.  Matt and I already have an amazing life together.  This is just a celebration of that life we are already living in front of God, our family and friends.

I don’t think I want a traditional reception.  I’m wildly uncomfortable being the center of attention.  The whole garter toss and all of that mess does NOT appeal to me.  I want something very Young House Love esque.  I just want a big party celebrating the love we already share.  I want to etsy the crap out of it.  I want to handmake so much of it.

So last night, i’m laying on the couch with Matt and we’re talking about all of this and started talking about dates and time frames and all that.  We have unanimously decided that it absolutely CAN NOT be held in 2011.  Matt’s kid brother is getting married that summer and two wedding so close together isn’t fair to family or to his brother.  We don’t want to steal his thunder.  So that leaves us with September 2010 or whenever we decide to do it in 2012.  Why September 2010?  Well, Matt is in Iraq ’til June-ish and I don’t want to do it RIGHT when he gets home, so I figured it would still be GORGEOUS the first two weeks in September, so that would be perfect.

So while we’re laying on the couch discussing this and our possibilities and I started to get super upset.  September was SO CLOSE and the thought of planning this whole wedding (or almost all of it) while he was in Iraq and going over details via skype makes me all sorts of barfy.  2012 just seems SO FAR AWAY.  That’s like… 2 1/2 years.  Not acceptable (Matt thinks of it as more time to save money, more time to plan, maybe a destination wedding! ooooh!).  And then I remembered that he is leaving in TWO WEEKS.  I got sort of overwhelmed and started bawling my eyes out in his lap for no reason.  I mean, we were talking about our WEDDING!  THATS HAPPY!!  And here I am, hysterical.  I’m not a complete headcase or anything.  Really.  Just the prospect of planning a wedding with my Fiance in Iraq?  That is a little much.  But then, so is waiting until 2012.

I ended up going to bed around 9:30.  I didn’t want to be a total damper and honestly, I promised myself I wouldn’t let him see me cry before he deployed… I don’t want to make this any harder on him than it already is.  So, I just went to bed.  Which, is sort of pointless… because he followed me in there.  We talked for a bit and he just kept reassuring me that everything was going to be okay.  Which is true.  It will be.  Deep breaths.

So yeah.  That’s how the first 72ish hours have been.  The more I think about it, the more likely it is that we will end up doing this in September, but we’ll see.  Everything good is worth waiting for.