Confessions of Jersey Girl

You know, there are days when I’m shocked by how okay I am.  Days that seem normal and days that my heart doesn’t hurt for five seconds until I realize.  It hasn’t even been a month yet, and it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve felt his arms wrap around me.  It kills me to think of the time that still lies ahead.  Everyone keeps saying “Don’t worry!  It’s going to go by so fast!”, except… it’s not.  I snapped at my Mom the other day when she said this to me.  I told her to send Daddy away for half a year or more with only sporadic communication.  I told her to handle EVERYTHING on her own, not have someone to hold her at night, come home to an empty house every single day… and then tell me how fast time is going to fly.  I know that after this is all over, i’ll probably be able to look back and say that time just flew.  I can’t wait for that moment.

Truthfully though, I feel guilty for the moments I have when I forget that he isn’t here with me.  I feel like I should be sad all the time.  I feel guilty when I forget that he’s over there fighting a war.  I know, it’s silly… but it’s the truth.  Granted, the moments that this happens really are few and far between though.

Most days, I just get through.  I live for the next moment i’ll hear his voice.  Everytime my phone chimes with a new email, my heart skips a beat and I want nothing more than for it to be him.  I don’t go anywhere without my phone in my hand and i’m always a little disappointed when it rings and it isn’t some strange number letting me know he’s calling.

I’m so scared that i’ll forget how good he smells, how my head rests so perfectly on his shoulder, how his scruffley cheek feels when it brushes up against mine.  My heart just aches all day every day and I have a feeling it’s just going to be something I need to get used to until he comes home to me in June.

So, as most of you that are on 20sb know that out of over nine thousand members, my little love story project was nominated for an award.  This is an insane honor.  I’m included in that category with some amazing and wonderful writers and people (really.  I’ve had the pleasure to meet and hang out with each and every lady in that category!).  Do I think I’m going to win?  Absolutely not.  But out of NINE THOUSAND blogs, even to be nominated and recognized for my idea is pretty flipping amazing.

And now, I’m going to flip out.  Not something I do regularly around these parts… But i’m upset and i’m hurt. (Please remember that I am NOT speaking for the group here.  My opinions are my OWN.)

If there is one thing that I value the most among people that I hold dear to my hearts, my friends… it’s the ability to say what is on my mind without fear of it turning into a huge fight.  I do not want this to turn into a huge disagreement, I just want my feelings to be heard. I do not want anyone to feel as though I am pointing my finger at them because I am not.  Some of the people that have said things are people that I consider friends. There has been a lot of negativity around twitter and bloggers when it comes to the 20sb Bootleg Awards.  Not only the awards, but the featured blogger selections as well and it’s heart breaking.

I am so very tired of people whining about the awards.   Sure, I was nominated, but you know something?  I was nominated for something that I DIDN’T EVEN WRITE.  Project Love Story is a compilation of amazing essays from so many amazing 20sb-ers.  I got nominated because of an idea that I had and the wonderful and talented people that contributed to it to make it something super special.  I guess people took notice, and i’m floored that I would be included.

I’m tired of hearing people say that the people nominated are “cliquey”.   I speak from experience, they aren’t.  They welcomed me with open arms.  We have all worked our asses off to maintain these relationships.   It’s not just the bloggers that I’ve met in person either… so it has nothing to do with the relationships that we have formed outside of blogging.  Some of the bloggers that I am closest with, I HAVE NEVER EVEN MET.   It’s the late night gchats when you just need someone to talk to or the texts of support when you’re down or even the phone calls with a best friend that you’ve never even met face to face.  Relationships are hard work and so many of the people know that and work hard to create and foster these relationships with their readers.

20sb is a HUGE community.  HUGE.  So many of the nominees are founding members of this wonderful community (including myself. i’m fairly certain I was #60 something.).  We’ve all been around for AGES in the community and blogging for even longer.   We make an effort to have our voices heard in the forums, we comment on pages and posts, we make an effort to reach out to new bloggers.  Not even really to get more followers… I know I could care less about that.  I reach out in an effort to make a friend.  I get that it’s hard to stand out and that upon entering into the huge mass of people that now makes up 20sb people feel like they aren’t getting noticed… but reach out!  Email D or Lisa, or Nicole or Jamie or Courtney or Maxie.  Sign up to be notified when new members join and when you get those emails (and boy do they ever come in!), head over to that new persons profile and leave a comment, make them feel welcomed.  Don’t leave a generic comment though just to get followers!!  Read their blogs, read their profiles… you never know, maybe you’ll have somethng in common!

To hear people say that we’re “popular” and mean it in a bad way or call us “cliquey” fucking HURTS.  It hurts because I feel like i’m included in that group (even though I don’t consider myself “popular”).  It hurts because these people that you ARE criticizing are my friends, whether it be in real life or just on a computer screen. I feel like a lot of the bloggers that are deemed “popular” get SO MUCH SHIT from other bloggers about being “popular” like it’s their / our problem or fault.  Take some time and go comment on blogs.  Trust me, even the “popular” bloggers are real people.  They read their comments, they even respond sometimes!  They are even interested in like, forming a relationship with their readers!  GASP!  Surprise!

I feel like some people lump us together like some sort of “Mean Girls” clique.  Granted, on Wednesdays… we wear pink.  But, everyone can join in on that fun!  I kid, I kid.  Pitching a fit that you weren’t nominated and putting down the bloggers that were by saying that they arent good writers or they aren’t interesting enough is passive agressive bullshit.   I know that a lot of these people put their hearts and souls and every single ounce of their free time into their blogs.  They plan out posts in their heads, they write ideas down constantly… blogging and writing is WHO THEY ARE.  It’s a HUGE part of who I am and i’m not even all that great.

Feelings are getting hurt and it isn’t fair.  I realize, life isn’t fair and maybe some of the bloggers that feel left out got their feelings hurt… but Jesus.  We are by far the most welcoming people EVER.  There is absolutely NO REASON to feel like you can’t “be one of us” or talk to the popular people or whatever.  I think the thing that hurts me the most is that of all of the people saying the negative things… I know not one blogger who was nominated or featured that would ever, EVER be anything but supportive or gracious if it had been someone else in their place instead.

Please, just think about the things that you say in a public forum.  Feelings get hurt and it sucks.  I stress so much about including people, making people feel welcomed, making friends… and it absolutely kills me when people are anything less than supportive or excited for the people that I care so much about.  If you are reading this and I don’t know who you are?  Rest assured that I WANT to, very much.  Email me, follow me on twitter (@racheliza), tell me you want to come to my house for a sleep over (really, you’re all totally welcome!!) or just let me know where you blog and I will be thrilled to check it out, I promise!

And now, I’m going to leave you with something that one of my most favorite people told me about this whole mess when I was venting about it earlier today when we were talking about this whole situation.  It just serves as some serious food for thought on the whole thing, I think.

“I think this serves as a good reminder that we need to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.  We should celebrate when our community members are recognized.  BUT, if being recognized is what you think personal blogging is all about, well, then I think you’re in the wrong community.”

Most of you know Brandy, the wildly popular & super amazing blogger and person behind “It’s mmmagic”.  Brandy is one of those good listener types, the always there for everyone else types, the girl that you always know you can count on for the best advice.  In short, she’s amazing.  Brandy is going through a bit of a rough patch right now, and we all need to show her some love and support (not like I even HAVE to ask…).  So, read this post she wrote below and send some positive thinking and love her way.  Also, if you can spare some space on your own blog… I ask you to please pay it forward.  Post this on your own blog and keep the love coming for this wonderful girl and the boy that has her heart.

My name is brandy. And I have a blog.

And a plea.

I use my blog to showcase the crazy I meet everyday, share the stories of the kids I teach and document my love for tequila, dairy products and the abdominal muscles of Ryan Reynolds. Rarely do I talk about personal issues on my blog- as personal as the dude that I adore (who I actually met through my blog- single ladies, let that be a very good reason to blog, the possibility of meeting someone as wonderful as my man), but I need your help. And it involves my dude.

He’s a guy who made math comics for my class, so they would love learning about addition. He’s the kinda guy who sends my friends gift cards when they are having hard times, who remembers every story I ever told him, who was the first person I celebrated with when I got a teaching job. He’s the guy who sent flowers to me at school- dozens of my favourite pink roses just because he loves me. He’s a guy who has spent a year patiently explaining (and re-explaining) everything there is to know about football during the important games when silence is preferred. He’s made me word puzzles and comics and stayed up late playing Scrabble with me (even though I beat him almost every time). He’s listened to me cry about school and family and jobs. He is everything I never knew I needed and everything I always knew I wanted.

The holidays have hit us hard. He’s recently been told he may have something called multiple myeloma- an incurable cancer, that gives a person an average of five years of continued life. Though this news has came as a shock, he continues to be exactly who has always been- spending his time worrying about me, rather than worrying about himself. He’s the most selfless individual I know- (he stayed late on Christmas Eve to work, so his co-workers could leave early) and a post like this would never be something that he would promote or encourage but when I’m overwhelmed and feeling helpless, the blogging community has always given me tremendous support and comfort, two things I desperately need at this time.

As I write this, the future is uncertain and we aren’t sure what’s happening. He’ll need to see an oncologist soon, to verify what’s going on in his body. My hope is that everyone who reads this think positive thoughts and if you are a person who prays, could you add him to your list? (You can refer to him as ‘brandy’s hot awesome dude’). If you don’t pray, please keep him in your heart.This cancer is only a possibility and I believe that the prayers and positive thoughts of people can make sure it never becomes a reality.

I want to give a big thank you to the blog owner who scraped their original blog plans and graciously put this up. My goal is to get as many people as possible to see and read this post. If you are reading this and want to help, copy and paste my plea into your blog or send a link through twitter, so more people can keep him in their thoughts. I would be so very grateful (even more grateful than I am to my friend who first showed me the picture of Ryan Reynolds on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. If you haven’t seen it, google it. You. Are. Welcome).

I realize this all sounds dramatic, a Lifetime movie in the making- but this is life. Right now. And I’m throwing away any hint of ego and am humbly asking for you to pray or think kind thoughts. If you are able to pass this on, thank you and if you know anything regarding MM- please email me (my email is on my blog). This isn’t a call for sympathy or a plea for pity. It’s just one girl hoping you can think positive thoughts for the person she adores. If my current heartache provides you with anything, let it be with the reminder that life is short, love is unbending and no one knows what could happen next. Maybe it is silly, but I really do believe that positive thoughts can make a huge difference. Thank you for reading this and if you haven’t already? Please tell someone you love them today.

I did.

As a girl that wants nothing more than to become someone who takes pictures as a living, it comes as no surprise that I am so much more comfortable BEHIND the camera lens.  In front of the camera, i’m awkward.  I don’t know how to pose, i’m not a natural when it comes to looking “natural”.  I snapped this picture this morning just being goofy and then I really looked at it.  Sure, it doesn’t show my face, but does it have to?

You can see my hair, so carefully parted on the right (seriously, the side part was a REVELATION in my late teens).  This (after I googled it) means that i’m “smart & together.  When things aren’t fair, I just work harder”.  Hm.  Not quite accurate, but i’ll take it.

You can see that the walls are blue.  This (to me at least) screams calm.  It is, in fact, my bedroom.  This place is my sanctuary.  It’s my escape.  It’s where I go to feel energized and centered.

You can see the insane amount of light pouring in behind me.  I love bright spaces.  This seven foot high window is what drew me to our little house.  I love it.  All I saw when I first stepped foot in this room was the crazy amount of natural light for taking pictures.  Eeeeek.  Love.

You can see that I have a DSLR camera.  You can also see that it’s a Canon.  Having a DSLR just screams “budding photog” (at least to me) and having a Canon?  Well, that just screams “budding photog that’s got a brain”.

You can see that I have a ring on.  Which means i’m taken.  TAKEN.  Ah, happy.   You can see that there is no wedding band… which means I haven’t had a wedding yet (I HAVEN’T!  Real wedding?  October.  Jamaica.  Be there.) and that i’m probably in the throes of planning.

You can see my lovely chipped manicure.  This, I think, says I care about my appearence… obviously.  I mean, I made the effort to go and actually GET a manicure.  The up keep, however…  Well, let’s just say they aren’t thinking of all the women that have men currently deployed to Iraq when they think of the staying power of this polish.  I picked it all off yesterday morning while waiting for a phone call from my love that never came.  I haven’t gotten around to taking the rest of it off just yet.

Find a picture of you and post it!  Tell me what it says about YOU! :)

I’ve been awake this morning since 7a, which… if you know me, is INSANE.  I simply don’t do mornings.  Really.  I prefer to sleep right through them, even on Christmas.  But, I was told to wait for a phone call from Matt around 7:30.  It’s almost 8 and I still haven’t heard from him, but i’m not going to lose hope.   He’ll call as soon as he’s able.

Please though, this morning when you’re surrounded by family and presents and all things Christmas, stop and think about the families that are missing someone this year.  There are so many men and women still overseas fighting, doing their part every day to keep our country safe and as a result, are spending this holiday away from the people that love them most.  Please think about the little girls that are missing Daddy, and the Mothers who are missing their young sons, or the little boys that want nothing more than a hug from Mommy on Christmas morning, or all of the wives that just want nothing more than to hear their husbands voice on Christmas morning.

Merry Christmas everyone.

So, so, so much love to each and every one of you.