Confessions of Jersey Girl

circa 2004

I think, after a certain point in a deployment, you start to become numb.  You learn that nothing is certain in the military, you learn not to make plans or hang all of your hopes on a specific time frame for something.  That “something” could be anything… a phone call, a return date, an email.  You learn to be grateful for every second, for every word, every email.  You learn how to adapt to a life alone, at least for a little while.  I’m not saying it’s easy, it doesn’t hurt or that I don’t think about him every single second of every day, because it’s not, it does and I certainly do.  It’s just that after almost eight weeks of being without him, I can feel myself getting calloused.   I don’t cry as much, I let more roll off my back and i’ve realized that it’s okay to ask for help if I feel like I can’t do it on my own.

In a way, i’m grateful for this experience.  So many people never get to appreciate the person that they are with on such a basic level.  Girls get gussied up for Friday date nights at a fancy restaurant and go to see a movie with the guy they love but me? I get pretty for my Monday night Skype dates with my love that’s a world away.   Some girls take for granted being able to lean over and kiss their honey whenever they want, but me?  It’s been 56 days since i’ve been able to kiss Matt, but I take comfort in closing my eyes and recounting every single detail of our last kiss.  I feel like, although this is all wildly painful and hard, it’s equally amazing.   I don’t know many girls that get a love letter every day.  I do.

We are forced to communicate and work together and support each other with nothing more than our words and I feel like this is giving us such an advantage.  I think that when you are forced to say that goodbye, when you are left to do nothing but wait (but sometimes you’re not even sure what you’re waiting for) and when all you have left some days is this overwhelming feeling of worry… you realize that this love you have for this other person is something so much bigger than yourself.

I didn’t really know where I was headed with this post when I started, but I think what I ended up with is so representative of everything that I feel right now. I love when I start writing and just… end up somewhere. Even on days like today when I get some kind of crappy news that things aren’t going exactly like I thought that they would, it really helps to just sit down, write and remind myself of all that I have to be thankful for.

Before I worked in real estate, way back when I was still a struggling college student, I was a teacher. In order to help pay off my loans quickly, I enrolled in a few extra classes and received my Child Development Associate Certification which allowed me to teach full time in a group preschool setting. My first teaching job was at a Montessori school in a little church. I worked there for three years, it was by far my most favorite job ever. I loved everything about the Montessori method, I adored the children and the parents were amazing. (My boss was a complete and total wench, but that’s a whole different story) Those kids, they were my life for three years. I worked there from 7am – 3pm every day and went to classes every night from 4:45 – 9:45pm. Hard? Of course, but that job made it all worth it.

I have this uncanny ability to remember faces and names, so i’ve run into a few of the kids i’ve taught here and there around town, but neither them or their parents recognized me or said anything. I never minded, it was seven years ago that I taught them and not everyone is a freak like me and can remember faces for almost a decade. But today, I had to run into the local Jr. High to drop something off. I was just about to walk back out the door when the secretary looked up and called my name. I turned around and she was like “I thought that was you, I’m Jack’s mom!” Whoa. I taught him when he was four and five and he’s now in the fifth grade. She remembered me. I told her I was surprised and her reply? “You shouldn’t be, you really made a difference in my little boy’s life.”

As I turned and walked out the door, tears were welling up in my eyes. It was all worth it for that one sentence.

I took the post down.   Feeding into internet drama is not my thing and I realize that in posting what I did, I was giving her what she wanted.  I don’t have to defend my actions to ANYONE, especially some stranger on the internet.   There’s a reason why I shy away from becoming friends with other AF wives, and I think now… it’s painfully obvious why.  Was I right bringing it public on my personal blog?  Probably not, but a wedding blog is certainly no place for a comment war.  Anyway, it’s done and over with now.  Thank you all for your support, it means the world.

MOVING ON!

Take five and go look at what my twin did.  She’s ridiculous and I adore her.  Submit a picture, let’s have some fun!

Internet was down all night last night for Matt, I didn’t get an email ’til almost 5am my time.  I lost a lot of sleep last night.  I know it’s probably needless worry and that he’s relatively okay where he’s stationed, but not hearing from him all day gets me seriously nervous.  I was awake until a little after 4a, so i’m running on minimal sleep.  Thank God today is my Friday.

With all of the AWESOME that has surrounded Love Harder, I wanted to let you all know that I’m (along with all of the other amazing Philly / NJ bloggers) running in the MMRF Race for Research.  It’s this October in Philadelphia, but they have them in San Fran, Boston, Chicago, the Twin Cities… probably somewhere close to you.  We all plan to run under the team of Love Harder and raise funds again in the name of H.A.D.  I think it would be AMAZING if we could get 20sb-ers represented in every city that there is a race in.  It’s a 5k, so it’s like 3ish miles.  If you don’t think you can run a 5k, go here.  Couch to 5k changed my life.

Matt so kindly noted that we are almost 1/3 of the way through this deployment when we had our Skype date on Monday night.  I guess in another ten ish days we will be 1/3 through this mess.  I have no idea how it’s going to “fly by” like so many people say, but here’s hoping.

Since he was so kind to tell me that we were almost 1/3 of the way through deployment, I sat up all night looking for THE PERFECT homecoming dress (I feel like i’m in High School saying “homecoming”).  I’ve decided that although insanely expensive and a completely ridiculous purchase, i’ll probably buy my dress from Anthropologie.  They are all just so classic and detailed and GORGEOUS.   Here’s a few of the ones that i’ve had my eye on…

Gorgeous, right?  That perfect yellow ribbon, the length, the fact that its a tank top sort of cut so I don’t have to worry about my dress falling down mid holy-crap-he’s-right-there!!! mad dash to my honey.  But wait, check this out.

LOOK AT THAT BACK! How stupid gorgeous is that cut out and that ruffle?!  My only issue is that I’m unsure how that ruffle is going to make my butt look.  Hm.

Another Yellow one, but I adore the detail of the black belt and the contrast between the two different patterns and colors.

I think this one might be my favorite.  I know, it’s strapless.  I don’t care.  I sort of prefer strapless because i’m so damn short.  I feel like not having my shoulders exposed and a dress that’s at my knee or just past makes me look stubby.

Thoughts?  Amazing places for really great dresses on the interwebs that won’t cost me my first born as payment?

We’re having a photographer from Operation Love come to homecoming, which i’m really excited about.  The last thing that I wanted to worry about was pictures, so they are going to take care of that for me which is AMAZING.   Beware when you click on that link though, the galleries had me all sorts of ugly crying.  It’s really beautiful though.

Until tonight, i’d never watched the movie.  I’m not one to get caught up in hype and i’m also very in tune with my own instincts… If a guy wasn’t that into me, I knew it and I didn’t need a book to tell me so.  Deployments give you a LOT of down time and a lot of quality time with the remote without your other half hogging it and turning on man TV.  He’s Just Not That Into You was on HBO so I figured i’d give it a go.  I mean, BRADLEY COOPER.  How bad could it possibly be?

I know i’m probably a little late on the jump, this movie has been out of a while… But holy hell was I pissed off after the first twenty minutes.  This movie, Scarlett Johansson (someone I usually LOVE), made my physically ill.  It goes on to basically validate every asshole behavior of men that there is.  The cheating, the game playing… it’s all ridiculous and suddenly, it’s okay and justifiable because “he’s just not that into you”.  I mean, excuse me?  It portrays women as despirate, weak and overbearing.  I can’t even put my finger on one thing that made me so furious… It can make even the most secure girl insecure in her own relationship.  I seriously sat here analyzing past behavior of the man I loved and then I realized what I was doing and seriously said out loud “ARE YOU KIDDING ME?”.  Like, is that the movies intention?  To glorify cheating, shake women to their core and make them completely insecure and generally flip out?

If so, it definitely succeeded.  Not even the hotness of Bradley Cooper could save this one.  I turned it off twenty five minutes in.

*  I’m getting marrrrrrrried!  This is not a surprise.  Obviously.   BUT, rather than clutter up my blog over here with wedding stuff… I’ll be posting over at Bridal Bloggettes! Add us to your reader and follow our adventures to wedded bliss!

*  This morning was full of AWESOME and started off with a very unexpected phone call from my honey.  I seriously had to catch my breath when it was him on the other end of the line.  It was just after 7 this morning and it was a weird 609 area code number.  Forgetting that they patch calls from Iraq through a local base, I was SO not going to answer.  Thank God I did, I was greeted with a “Good Morning Baby” and was able to start off my day smiling from ear to ear.

*  The internet has rallied behind one if it’s own and come together to make a pretty awesome video and raise over $2,500.  I can’t believe that a little idea has expanded to get this much attention.  If you haven’t made a donation yet, please consider giving up your latte and helping us triple our original goal of $1,000.  You might not think that your $5 matters but oh, it does.

*  I think Heidi and I would like to hang out in New York City for the day sometime in the near future.  No real plans, but lots of cupcakes and good food and cheap drinks.  Interested?

*  I hate the winter.  During the fall, my nails were so long and pretty.  Now that the temperature is hovering right around freezing, my skin has been so dry and awful, I can’t slather on enough lotion.

*  I have a little bit of exciting news and as soon as I get the go ahead from the powers that be, i’ll share.  I’m a little giddy about it really.

*  I really need to clean out and reorganize my google reader.  Is there an easy way to just start fresh?  That would be awesome.

*  Speaking of starting fresh, i’m DYING for a new blog design.  Something clean and simple and pretty.  We’ll see.

*  Have you submitted your love story to Project Love Story yet?  It doesn’t have to be the “boy meets girl” type of love story.  It can be girlfriends, family, pets… whatever.  Be creative!  Email me or comment here for info on how you can help this awesome little project to grow!

*  Work is currently giving me a big fat headache.  I’ve really got to work on setting my goals and getting the eff out of here.

*  Matt left 46 days ago.  It’s been 46 days since i’ve seen him.  i have another 120ish to go.  That makes me like… not a whole lot done.  Cue the tears.

*  I really hate when I stop and think about how long he’s been gone and how long it will be until I see them again.

*  I ordered all new office furniture from Target the other day.  I’m so excited to get started on this.  It’s my present to Matt for when he comes home.  Expect lots of posts and pictures!