ache.

December 30th, 2009 at 5:09 am. Posted in Just Rachel.

You know, there are days when I’m shocked by how okay I am.  Days that seem normal and days that my heart doesn’t hurt for five seconds until I realize.  It hasn’t even been a month yet, and it feels like it’s been an eternity since I’ve felt his arms wrap around me.  It kills me to think of the time that still lies ahead.  Everyone keeps saying “Don’t worry!  It’s going to go by so fast!”, except… it’s not.  I snapped at my Mom the other day when she said this to me.  I told her to send Daddy away for half a year or more with only sporadic communication.  I told her to handle EVERYTHING on her own, not have someone to hold her at night, come home to an empty house every single day… and then tell me how fast time is going to fly.  I know that after this is all over, i’ll probably be able to look back and say that time just flew.  I can’t wait for that moment.

Truthfully though, I feel guilty for the moments I have when I forget that he isn’t here with me.  I feel like I should be sad all the time.  I feel guilty when I forget that he’s over there fighting a war.  I know, it’s silly… but it’s the truth.  Granted, the moments that this happens really are few and far between though.

Most days, I just get through.  I live for the next moment i’ll hear his voice.  Everytime my phone chimes with a new email, my heart skips a beat and I want nothing more than for it to be him.  I don’t go anywhere without my phone in my hand and i’m always a little disappointed when it rings and it isn’t some strange number letting me know he’s calling.

I’m so scared that i’ll forget how good he smells, how my head rests so perfectly on his shoulder, how his scruffley cheek feels when it brushes up against mine.  My heart just aches all day every day and I have a feeling it’s just going to be something I need to get used to until he comes home to me in June.

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There are 21 comments to this post.
Lizzie said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 5:55 am

Aaaah, lots of love hun <3 Must be so hard for you, and he’s probably feeling the same way about you too xx

Katie said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 7:52 am

Can I promise you something?

I’m heartless, you know that. Well, you don’t know that, but my emotions run really low. I broke up with the love of my life over a year ago and I still don’t forget the way he smells, the nook in his chest where my head fits, or the way I felt when he held my hand.

I know this isn’s about me, it’s about you… as it should be. But you’ll never forget. And if you ever did, Lord knows you’ll be reminded when he comes home to you.

…but you’ll never forget!

Katie’s last blog post..Blog Takeover: Day #5

Gemini said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 8:15 am

For you: a hug. My IBFF!! Miss you girlie!

phampants said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 8:48 am

I just want to say that you’re so strong & brave. Both you and Matt.

phampants’s last blog post..Top 10 Posts of 2009

steph anne said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 9:12 am

I know your mom doesn’t understand and none of us do (unless we’re in the same situation) but I’m sure she is just trying her hardest to make you feel better.

I hope you two will get to talk and skype more often in the upcoming months! <3

san said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 9:30 am

All I can say is that the moment when you see each other again will make up for all of it! ;) Believe me!

Elisabeth said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 10:52 am

My Dad was military worked overseas about 9 months out of the year and as a child I felt like this alot. But when you’re together again, you forget, to some extend, how much it hurts when we he’s gone. You can do this.

Angela said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 12:30 pm

I can’t say that I understand, because I’ve never had to see my boyfriend off for an extended period of time, let alone send him off to fight a war. But I can say this: you’re brave. You’re strong, and you will get through this. It may not feel like you will right now, but just like you said, when you look back on this, you’ll realize that you did okay. And when he comes home? It will be perfect.
Keeping you two in my thoughts and prayers.

Angela’s last blog post..For Brandy

Lisa said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

I can only imagine what it must be like. Every second ticking by like an hour. Once he is home, this time will just disappear. Hang in there girl!! Be strong! You guys WILL get through this!

Lisa’s last blog post..I have a date tonight

AP said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 3:01 pm

How could you possibly forget? You love him soooo much there is simply no way. Not to mention, he wouldn’t want you to be walking around sad all the time! Just take pictures of yourself smiling and send them his way. Time won’t fly, but you’ll make it to the other side, not to worry.

AP’s last blog post..Another one bites the dust

Alyssa said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 3:20 pm

Stop making me so sad lady!!! You will be so sosososossoso happy when he comes back, plus as they say, distance makes the heart grow fonder. Booya! :)

Alyssa’s last blog post..Well I guess I have something to blog about now

Becky said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 5:35 pm

I cannot even imagine what you are going through and I’m sure you hear this enough but stay strong! You can always count on your blog friends for support and strength too if you need help.

nahl said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 6:10 pm

I haven’t read ur previous posts so i have no idea what this is about, but i’d still want to leave a few words because sometimes, hearing certain words can make it a lot easier on us. So here goes:
Trust yourself that you can get through this.
xx

nahl’s last blog post..NYE

Kelly said... Dec 30, 2009 @ 9:24 pm

I’d think the love of your life would want you to be happy :-). I think he wants you to be ok so that he can assure himself that he’ll be ok that he’ll get thru this. It’s probably one of the hardest things in the world when someone close to you says that time will fly by fast. And right now I can’t even look at a newspaper without balling it up in my fist and shoving it as far down the recycle bin as possible. My prayers are with you Rachel! Keep your head up and your heart strong!

Kelly’s last blog post..am I just insensitive?

Erin said... Dec 31, 2009 @ 9:29 am

I just love you. A lot.

Erin’s last blog post..Crucio, 2009, Crucio!

wishcake said... Jan 1, 2010 @ 8:40 am

I can’t imagine what you must be going through. I’m sure my mom could tell you a thing or two about it – my dad has been in the Navy reserves for over 20 years and every few years (sometimes more frequently) he’s had to go overseas. It’s been as long as a year or more, sometimes.

When I was little, I never really thought about it because she was always so strong. She made everything okay for us kids because of her attitude, you know? But I can’t help but wonder how often she cried into her pillow at night after a long day with three kids and no husband to snuggle up with. Part of me thinks that having us helped her in a way – to distract from him being away. And I think that since she grew up with her own dad in the Navy, she had her mom as a good role model for being a wife of someone in the service. Someone who really “got it”, you know?

I know that I get weepy when Jay is gone even one night, so I can only imagine how tough this is for you right now. You are such a strong person and such a lovely girl – I know this time won’t be easy or “fast” by any means, but I have no doubt that you are strong enough to get through it.

I can’t wait to hear about how incredibly wonderful it is going to be when he gets back. :) That is going to be AMAZING.

Hugs, my dear. I love you.

wishcake’s last blog post..on myself, four years ago…

Paula said... Jan 1, 2010 @ 9:20 am

I can’t even pretend to know or imagine how you feel, having never been in this situation myself (never really having been in love either!). But I hope everything is okay for you and I will keep you and him in my thoughts and prayers.

Paula’s last blog post..NEW YEAR’S DRAMA . . .

Lacey Bean said... Jan 1, 2010 @ 10:03 am

Just know he’ll be home soon enough!! I saw a marine coming home in the Louisiana airport when I came home on Wednesday, and it made me smile so much, you have no idea. That will be you before you even know it. :)

HUGS

Lacey Bean’s last blog post..Ta-Da! My Life List

ashalah said... Jan 1, 2010 @ 9:47 pm

I can’t even begin to understand what you are going through but just know that I love you and am here if you ever need to chat. And you won’t forget him. He’s part of you :)

ashalah’s last blog post..Ashalah’s New Year’s To Do List.

Cuddleslut said... Jan 2, 2010 @ 3:04 pm

Love your blog title by the way!

Cuddleslut’s last blog post..Where’s Your Boyfriend?

Terra said... Jan 3, 2010 @ 9:42 am

Hugs to you! And just think, if you forget something, something little, think about what a great discovery it will be when you get to experience it again it June when he comes home!

Terra’s last blog post..2009: A Time to Nestle

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