squeeze.
January 17th, 2010 at 7:38 pm. Posted in Just Rachel, no. i'm really that crazy..for every handful of good days that i have, there is always one day that just knocks the wind right out of me. it’s not often that i have had a day where all i wanted to do was just sit and cry, but today was one of them. i’ve been so overwhelmed lately and it’s just… it’s hard. there has been work drama and drama with an past friend that has some serious passive aggressive issues. add in to that mix trying to plan a wedding from a world apart and missing the hell out of the one person that has the ability to make all of this go away and you have an emotional disaster. i literally feel like my heart is in a vice grip.
i try as hard as i can to just… get from point a to point b throughout the day. i try to appear perfectly normal even though my heart just has a constant ache. i do what i have to do. i try to be social when the occasion calls for it, get up and go to work on time (mostly), let the looks of pity from people when i say that matt is deployed just roll off my back. it’s like i’m just getting through my days in this sort of haze. i don’t want to ask for help with things because i don’t need it. honestly, i think that part of me doesn’t want to come off as anything but a super woman.
everything that i do is done at half brain power because i spend every waking moment wondering what he’s doing, if he’s okay, what did he have for dinner? is he exhausted? i wonder if he’s eating okay. does he have a lot of friends? what does he do when he isn’t working? i know vague answers to all of these questions, but surprisingly i couldn’t really tell you. i mean to those of you familiar with a deployment, i guess it isn’t so surprising. we spend our valuable time emailing back and forth about wedding details, and how much we love each other. i usually tell him what bills i paid and how much, i send pictures of me and the cat. i’m forgetful and i’m scatterbrained, but it isn’t intentionally.
the emotions that have come with this whole deployment thing have caught me off guard. as much as i try to be outwardly strong, sometimes it gets the better of me and i can go from hysterical laughter to a crying fit faster than a lamborghini can go from 0 to 60. it’s true. it’s a combination of stress, worry and heartache. a fricken car insurance commercial sent me over the edge the other day. i mean, really.
we’ve sort of been arguing about the guest list for the past two or three days. i feel like it’s wrong to invite anyone but extremely close family and friends because you’re essentially asking someone to spend 2k going to your wedding. tone gets misconstured, feelings get hurt and it’s hard. it’s hard enough to plan a wedding sitting next to someone, let alone via spotty email conversation. i keep trying to tell myself that it isn’t a big deal… because it isn’t. it’s just hard because i feel like this should all be fun and it feels more like a chore that i have to force myself to do.
all of my emotions just came pouring out last night in a flood of emails. good, bad, everything. i told him everything, because i felt like he should know. while i was writing it, i was hysterical. i know that i’m not cut out for this, i’m simply not meant to be alone… i’m not that strong. everything just hurt so bad. i was tired of fighting alone, i was tired of immature people playing silly games and i was tired of fighting with work to get what i deserve. i think whenever someone gets to the point of emotional overload like i was last night, it just… it feels good to just cry. once i get the tears out of my system, it’s like a clean slate.
part of me regretted emailing him like that, but he emailed me back and instantly made me feel a thousand times better in a way that only he can do. he told me to take a day off, spend time with my girls and go shopping. you know what? i think i will.
xo
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